Friday 11:35 A.M.
You take your marriage for granted.
You slide along - kids, work, friends take front center.
And then, one day you are slammed with the reality that your marriage is almost dead.
When it isn’t there you want it the most.
When it’s gone; that’s all you can think about.
Right now this is light years away.
At this moment you experience emotional distance that seems like a canyon. The love is gone. The excitement is gone.
Fear, frustration and a deep emptiness fills the void. You just don’t know each other anymore.
You are in crisis: infidelity, the D-word, paralysis, unmanageable conflict, distant and cold as ice.
Paralyzed.
Confused.
Scared to death you will lose it all; your world crashing down.
I’ve given my professional life and personal journey to discovering what really WORKS to help couples.
I’ve logged over 25,000 client hours in my private practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist and have walked with thousands online since 2001. I thank all those who helped me gain wisdom.
I also discovered along the way that I needed to go through my own personal relationship crisis, endure and learn from the Liminal space what I needed to learn.
ALL couples hit the wall.
All couples MUST hit the wall.
The crisis or stark realization that all is NOT well becomes your stepping stone to a radically different and more powerful love.
I’ve taken the best of what I’ve learned and listened carefully to those who shared their success with me over the past 3+decades and share that wisdom wealth in the Marriage Building Online Course.
How to start a conversation that actually goes somewhere.
You will hit the WALL. When you focus on this one area you have everything you need to rebuild.
Lessons:
“The FORMULA” “The Power of Distinctions”
How to turn your marriage around in 48 hours. Yes, you can do it, and it’s not that difficult, if you know what you are doing. 85% of couples I’ve worked with have accomplished this turn around. Gain confidence that you can influence – and are NOT a victim. Here’s the bad news: the turn around is temporary.
Lessons:
“Introduction – Quick Marriage Turn Around.”
Should you separate? What do you want to separate from? THAT is the critical question that I answer in this mind twisting video. Learn about the distancing spouse and their need for “space.” Learn what you must consider when deciding.
Lessons and Themes:
Should We Separate? Specific decision points in your marriage The role of “chemistry” The capacity to emotionally connect Presence of destructive patterns – infidelity/abuse
A marital crisis typically demolishes your self esteem. Why? You assume something is wrong with you. You assume your marital crisis is the end of your world. Both assumptions are unequivocally wrong, but understandable, since you were not taught the true nature of marriage and the inevitable and NECESSARY bumps, or ditches on the road. Discover the truth about love and marriage and feel incredibly better.
Lessons:
“Why Marriages Fail and Why that is Mandatory”
”How to (Re)Build a Marriage after 42”
“10 Dangerous Ideas about Marriage”
Why does he always keep doing that… over and over again??? REALLY understand him. Figure him out. Look beneath the surface. Know what drives him although he doesn’t want it to drive him. Remove the wedge between you and him. (And, discover that it is HIS problem, not yours.)
Lessons:
“Feeling Safe with Your Partner – Withholding Judgment”
“Understand Your Spouse – 8 Typical Coping patterns”
“The Familiar Position”
Where does betrayal, lying, deceit, pretending, avoiding and hiding come from? One word: fear! When one is afraid it’s all on nothing; no middle ground. Learn how to create an atmosphere of safety, fearlessness and constructive compassionate confrontation. Enter the middle ground, which becomes your common ground.
Lessons:
“The Problem with Cinderella”
“Charging neutral”
“4 Step Basic Communication Tool”
Blah, Blah, Blah. You can talk about love until the proverbial cows come home. But if you don’t experience it, you remain in the cold clutches of fear, distance and emotional disconnect. I’m not talking about ‘romantic’ love, which is primarily mirroring. I’m talking about the quiet powerful presence of love which has no words or agenda. The FORMULA generates this experience of love.
Lessons:
“3 Stages of Love” “Step 5 in the FORMULA” “The Appting Strategy”
Why did you marry? To have a family? To feel safe and cared for? To have safe sex? Because there was a strong attraction you thought would last? To be happy, and live that way forever? Marriages crash when the reality of being human can no longer be denied. And that’s not all bad. You are then invited to open a new chapter. Marriages have a series of chapters!
Lessons:
“Overcome the Fear of Losing Your Marriage (Love)”
“The Green Marriage”
“Stop Pursuing” “Developing an Emotional Connection: from Dualistic Living to the Triad”
“Engaging your spouse Parts 1-8”
It is the nature of marriage that your partner triggers the best and worst in you. A marriage hits the skids when the negative triggers become more intense, more frequent, and for the life of you, you can’t figure out a way to not react. Stuck! Pinpointing where it breaks down and then responding rather than reacting becomes your road getting unstuck and moving ahead.
Lessons:
“The #1 Marriage Killer and How it Destroys a Marriage”
“The Power of Standing Back”
“Controlling Self Talk”
“8 Critical Keys to Saving a Marriage”
Notice the word influence. You can’t make your spouse change but you can find your inner power to influence the situation and their behavior. There is a HUGE difference. I offer a ‘Frame of Mind’ called Charging Neutral that enables you to influence and use your power effectively without feeling terrible. I’ve received more positive feedback from Charging Neutral than anything else in the last 15 years.
Lessons:
“The Basics of Charging Neutral.”
The most important person in your marriage is YOU. Marital change begins with what goes on between your ears and in your heart. Your POWER resides there! You are not helpless. You are not the victim. BTW, I would bet that your spouse gives you a great deal of power, although you may not realize it now!
Lessons:
“Self Talk”
“The Power of Standing Back.”
“Introduction to the FORMULA – Parts 1 and 2
How do you know you are headed in the right direction? Could it be a dead end? Can you trust that you are making progress? Why does it seem some days that it’s 2 steps forward and 1 back, or even 3 back? How do you know? I offer a ton of practical behavioral checklists. I start with a 12 month Progress Checklist that will keep you on track and feeling confident.
Lessons:
“A New Vision for Your Marriage – 17 Point Progress Checklist”
“How Long will it take to Rebuild Your Marriage – 12 month Progress sheet for individual and couple”
“What it Takes to Save Your Marriage”
This is Huge. Do you realize that 90% of your decisions are made unconsciously? That 90% of your communication with your spouse is unconscious? All the skill training, date nights, self help books, counseling and need meeting won’t mean a hill of beans if you don’t intentionally address the unconscious. It’s not that hard or daunting. The unconscious can be your best friend. The FORMULA offers the way.
Lessons:
“The Tricycle – 3 Wheels of Marriage Building”
“Overcoming the Familiar Position” “The FORMULA”
I want you to know that your course helped me far more than any of the others because it was straight forward, real and doable. I am constantly going back to refresh myself with things to think about. It’s a great resource to see just how far I’ve come. I am an educated professional and was skeptical about online resources. But your advice is wise, anticipates my questions and is reassuring.
Thank you for being a voice of confidence, assurance, and guidance in this quagmire. At last somebody who was giving practical advice, somebody who called ‘a spade, a spade’, somebody who, above all, never gave up on me and understood my dilemma and my hesitance to order and pay for courses over the internet.
Your course has not only saved my marriage, but also my life. My pain is still not over, as I discovered that my wife of 20 years has been having long term affairs on the side for 17 of these years, including the period over which we were having children. I read your lessons over and over, and they helped tremendously to understand her problems as well as mine. It’s taken me a year and half to get myself together, but my new business is thriving and we are still together. And perhaps for the first time we are ‘really’ together.
I have been trying to rebuild my marriage after infidelity broke it apart two years ago. I have been in therapy and applying myself to healing using various authors, programs, and therapists. I am at a point in the marriage where I felt that it had to move and go somewhere or it would consume me. I once again found myself at this site and it is immensely helpful, honest and hits you with the right language which, in turn, is refreshing from other therapies in which the truth and the reality of the situation is unveiled and verified – in contrast to the fluffy filling therapists often try to fill you with without letting the true validation surface.
Thank you for the specific examples in the checklists. I felt immediately like the material was relevant to my specific situation and it empowered me to believing in and then following your instructions closely. Your other book, Break Free…was my first read and it actually helped to stop his infidelity so that I’m at this point where I can focus on trust. Thank You!!
This exercise was precisely the kind of help I have needed. The steps have also given me a better understanding of how to “Charge Neutral.” I’ve intellectually acknowledged that charging neutral is a good thing for me to be doing but have felt defeated in being able to do it. The process in this module of identifying shifts to implement gives me a practical tool to work with. Having a voice and making distinctions are tremendously empowering concepts to explore. I didn’t even realize why I was so unhappy with myself and my marriage. It was like two empty people tearing each other apart.
So many times I’ve wanted to yell, “I want a divorce!” but haven’t. Now I realized there is a better way to address the problems.