How to Find
True Love After 42
You can have a love that is natural, warm, easy and deeply satisfying.
I’ve worked a long time (both pre and post 42) as a therapist helping others to love. I’ve also experienced personal trials of trying to find love. In my later years, after much reflection and with the gracious help of others, the process of loving and being loved, as I’ve come to understand, boils down to 3 steps:
1 Giving up toxic assumptions and goals.
2 Inviting a space for healing.
3 Living by the 3 Love Laws.
I provide proven and practical resources to move you through this simple yet deeply profound process.
You will find, embrace and experience love.
You will learn to stack one loving experience on another, until it becomes your framework for being and relating.
Pre 42
Typically, your pre 42 marriage and love life begins with hope, anticipation and confidence. (At 25 I thought I had the answers and didn’t have a clue of how clueless I truly was!)
You “fall in love” and are subtly taught that this love will last forever. Yes, it may fade, but this love and bond will hold you together forever, til death do you part.
Love is one and done.
3 Toxic Assumptions
At that point in your life, your love and relationship is tied to 3 assumptions (I call them “Toxic Assumptions.”)
These assumptions have seeped into your unconscious since you were in diapers and have been taught by well meaning institutions, family and friends. These assumptions are also passed from your mother, father, their mothers and fathers and past generations through your DNA.
You (unknowingly) believe:
1
My spouse/partner holds the keys to my happiness. My partner will meet my needs; I can count on that. S/he is my guiding light. S/he completes me. My partner will support me, take care of me and be there for me – forever.
2
I will find my self worth in my marriage. Yes, a part of me has always doubted myself and felt unworthy, especially of being loved. I’ve thought now and then of whether something about me is wrong or defective. My spouse loving me will take care of that.
3
If something goes wrong, we can always fix it. We can make it better. We can work as a team and overcome any hurdle or obstacle. Nothing can hold us back. If things become shaky I (and we) can always do better and the problem will be solved. I know what it takes to win his/her love.
Life and the Downward Spiral
So, what happens?
- Get busy raising a family
- Getting ahead
- Staying ahead
- Career
- Building a nest egg
- Prepare children for their future
- Dreaming about building dream home
And then you move into the 40s.
- OMG I thought it would be better
- I’ve given it my best shot and still feel empty, alone, failing
- On the surface, ok, but feel bankrupt
- Marriage is stale, dead, gone
- We fell out of love
You feel the tension and stress played out in conflict and/or emotional detachment.
Your life becomes one of quiet (or not so quiet) desperation.
Usually a crisis erupts from the stress: an affair, health/family/children problems or serious consideration of divorce.
The downward spiral intensifies.
Let’s Fix it
When a limit is reached one in the marriage, the one who feels the most stress and tension, usually suggests getting help.
There is an intentional effort to “fall back in love” again – to recapture that “loving feeling.”
And so you reach out, tapping into the familiar resources to save a marriage: couples or individual counseling, self help books, seminars, workshops, date nights, support groups, marriage building programs of all sorts, some religious, others not.
The Limits of Conventional Help
But another problem arises.
Most conventional help itself, is based on the 3 Toxic Assumptions.
The advice centers on:
1
Focus on your spouse. Win your spouse back. Meet their needs. Be there for them. Put them front and center in your life. Set up date nights and romantic weekends to get that “love” back.
2
Build your self esteem. Get yourself into therapy. Learn what it is about you that is blocking the relationship. Think positive, address your family or origin issues. Get right with God. Be a partner your spouse will enjoy being with. Be lovable!
3
Go on an improvement bing to save your marriage. Learn how to communicate better. Become more attractive, more sexy, alluring. Lose weight. Talk more. Talk less. Read self help books. Go to marriage seminars.
Grumpy Old People
However, nothing seems to truly work. You may pretend it does, but inside you know better.
The emptiness, despair, hopelessness, aloneness, fear, frustration and sadness reside just below the surface.
The relationship continues to deteriorate as you choose the old coping patterns that first got you into this mess; mainly because you don’t know what else to do.
You lack information or have the wrong information.
The marriage may end or the two of you give up and become two grumpy old people.
My Wife’s Affair Was a Wake Up Call and Invitation
The above process emerged over time and became clear after my wife’s affair in our 40s.
It was a wake up call. It was, beyond doubt, a turning and pivotal point.
It was also agony! It was hell!
Over a period of months we saw 4 different therapists, which probably did more harm than good.
I was on my own. My colleagues were there for me, but lacked the resources to guide.
I embarked on a pilgrimage to understand what happened, heal and move ahead.
Fortunately, I had a background in family systems theory, EMDR, NLP and was a curious student of philosophy, epigenetics, theology and psychology – anything related to the human condition.
Insights and a framework began to take shape.
I began writing and the ebook, “Break Free From the Affair” emerged.
The internet was in its infancy and I offered “Break Free From the Affair” online.
The response was mind-boggling. Thousand of ebooks were downloaded and I received hundreds of thankful emails and responses for helping them through their crisis.
To share my insights and resources with the world became my mission.
I blogged. I coached. I wrote article after article.
Results for You
These resources morphed into the Infidelity Recovery Center and the Marriage Building Online Course. (Once the Crisis, or extreme angst, passes, you want to rebuild.)
If you feel like:
- time is running out
- you are fed up the the emotional distance, loneliness, games, frustration, etc.
- you want to be able to trust again
- you are confused and don’t know where to turn
- you want to let go of the old chapter and open a new
…then consider joining with me.
Start by registering for the Introduction Course to the Marriage Building Online Course.
The Course is designed to:
- give you hope - yes! a deep and satisfying love is possible
- replace the anxiety and fears with more calm and confidence
- affirm who YOU are
- open a new world of possibilities for your life (and perhaps marriage)
- get rid of the wouldas, couldas and shouldas (guilt and shame)
- offer a roadmap based on what has worked for countless others
The first 3 lessons offer new ways of thinking about love and marriage. The last two lessons make that more concrete – what you can actually do that will make a difference.
Here’s a run down of the Lessons:
Your “Crisis” is Normal and Necessary
Pre 42 and the hold of the 3 Major Toxic Assumptions
The Limitations of Conventional Marital Advice and Help
The Limits of my Work as a Therapist Pre 42
The Personal and Professional Impact of My Wife’s Affair
The Post 42 World
3 Focal Points for Changing the Marriage
The True Nature of Love
Change Your Behavior, Change Your Thinking, Use the Unconscious = Change Your Marriage
How to Experience Change within 48 Hours
When Change is only Temporary
Move from Toxic Thinking to Love Stacking
Common Toxic Thoughts that Destroy a Marriage
How to Understand and Use the Healing Power of
the Unconscious
How to Use the FORMULA for Permanent Change
Love Stacking
The EXPERIENCE of Love
The Evolution of Love
How I Achieved Break Through in Therapy
Why I didn’t Accept Insurance
Case Studies
Therapy and the Trap of Dependency
Rinse and Repeating Love
Individual and Couple Progress Checklist (Results) for the Next Year
Download Progress Checklists for Individual and Couple
3 Guides for Inviting Your Spouse’s Participation
One Sentence to Use to Invite Spouse
6 Benefits for Using Progress Markers
The Power of Distinctions
How to Use the Progress Checklists
4 Step Basic Communication Tool (How to Get a Loving Response From Your Spouse)
No more getting hooked into emotional games that swirl
until both give up or one walks away
Break the Pattern of the “Game”
How to Assume Effective Leadership in Your Marriage
Learn EXACTLY What to Say in 4 Steps
No More Stuttering, Stammering or Freezing
What is Means if Your Spouse Doesn’t Respond
How to Get Over the “Weird” Feeling
How to Use the Tool for One Week
Imagine These Results in the Next Few Weeks
- Find your voice, speak with clarity and conviction
- Get Quick results and fast relief
- Make sound decisions
- Reclaim self esteem
- Understand and see through Spouse
- Know and Speak the Truth
- Experience Love
- Uncover Deep Passion, Compassion, Peace and Purpose
- Face You Obstacles and Upsets
- Influence and use your Power
- Find Your Power
- Measure Progress
- Get Unstuck and Stay Unstuck
As a bonus you will receive access the Marriage Help Dashboard. Keep up to date on new resources, workshops, books and articles that move and your relationship ahead.
